Braving the cold to watch a soccer grand final, a cute new bag for $5, Bron watching the soccer, a sausage sandwich from Bunnings hardware (on my to-do list after a year of terrible bbq in Tonga), worship at Church, after church fellowship at the pub.
I received some good news last week. After only a week of submitting applications, I got a job interview and was offered the position on the same day. For the next six months (as it is a maternity cover) I’ll be working as a youth project officer at a neighbourhood centre. I’m relieved to get a job so quickly, thankful that someone wanted to hire me and grateful that I can stop writing long cover letters.
And then gratefulness turned into worry, worry into anxiety and anxiety into fear. Old doubts began to surface (let’s just say that my first social work job after uni, which was also in a neighbourhood centre, was a less than wonderful time and I experienced work place bullying) and I started to question my ability to do the job. Because when you’ve been told by a previous manager that you have no skills, that no one will ever hire you, those words are hard to forget. They stay with you.
I found myself telling people I was worried I wouldn’t meet expectations in my new job, before I’d even started it. Rather than being grateful at God’s provision for my family, I just felt anxious about the whole situation. Plus my thoughts have not strayed far from: I still wish I was back in Tonga with my dog and am not feeling super excited to be in Sydney, without my dog. The process of starting a new job and looking for a new house means that I can’t escape the reality that Tonga is over, for now.
So I start this new job tomorrow and am still worried a range of worries (will I be able to find parking? Will my co-workers like me? Will I do a good job?) which are unlikely to go away any time soon. I’m also trying to be thankful.
Thankful that within two weeks of moving back, husband and I both have new jobs. Thankful that we are being provided for – through large tax returns and good deals on cars and friends who want us to move in with them. Thankful that after three hours of shopping I finally found a pair of non-ugly work pants because I’m also lamenting the fact that I can’t wear my red skinny jeans to work. The biggest anxiety of them all.